Looking For a Partner: A Learning Opportunity

This article is aimed at those people who do not have a partner and want to have one. Those who don’t have it and don’t want it can scrutinize other ways of learning; if you want, of course. That said, we will begin by reflecting on two false beliefs that, far from bringing us closer to the relationship goal of finding a partner, keep us away:

  1. Love comes when it has to come . Or not… Although it is obvious, if we wait for the love of our life to ring the doorbell, it is most likely that this will never happen and, however, many people repeat this idea to themselves as a “mantra “that not only doesn’t move them forward but relieves them of the responsibility of making the necessary changes to achieve the goal of meeting someone interesting.
  2. I want someone who loves me and accepts me as I am. This statement, like the previous one, keeps us from finding a partner and also goes against change understood as personal growth and constant improvement. Using the affirmation that concerns us places us in immobility, in the famous phrase “I am like this and I will never change” of the well-known Alaska.

Looking For a Partner A Learning Opportunity

Neither love comes alone, nor by chance nor to accept us with many aspects to correct. Fortunately, we have left behind those times when people, quite homogenized by the way, married in an agreed manner and without considering what they would contribute to each other. Luckily, today relationships no longer have to be for life and, luckily, people enjoy a universal education that makes us more or less free, at least in thought, and we can choose how we want to be and What kind of people do we want to surround ourselves with? But even so, it is hard for us to realize that if things do not turn out the way we would like, a Partner we have to start by seeing what changes can bring us closer to our goals. In other words, if we do things in a certain way and we do not get what we want, we must review what we can improve, what should we do differently. And it is in the line of making this series of changes, that below we collect some brushstrokes that can serve for reflection:

  1. Check if you offer what you demand. We all want to have happy, constructive, communicative, empathetic, flexible people by our side… And the question would be: Am I like that? Do I offer this to others? We also give importance to the physical, as he is natural. But have we stopped to think that if we don’t like ourselves, we probably don’t like others either? It is very blunt but no less true. Accepting oneself does not mean resigning oneself to the changes that may happen to us (weight gain, hair loss…). Self-acceptance consists of taking care of our body so that, respecting its morphology, it is healthy, ready to enjoy; take care of it so that we like it and, by extension, our potential partner. triptogether.com
  2. Evaluate how you think. We are what we think but we can change what we think as many times as necessary until what we think brings us well-being. Well-being will be provided by those thoughts generated from optimism, enthusiasm, illusion…, to the detriment of fear and mistrust.
  3. Are you generous enough? Love is generosity, altruism. Let’s start, then, by giving. Every process of seduction is just that, a process. If we feel attracted to a person, it is much better to put our energy into seducing her than to check if we have already seduced her. Sometimes a Partner we want to run too much, to know if the infatuation has occurred or not, to measure the degree of commitment of the other… What do we gain by doing this? Generally nothing. Push away the person who suddenly stops feeling seduced and begins to feel evaluated, put pressure… By this we do not mean that relationships have to be unequal, obviously. There comes a time when there must be a balance between what is given and what is received. A balance that is often not reached because it has not been generous enough from the start and our insecurities have already done their thing…
  4. How do you live the “failures”? Americans understand failure as success, because they see it as a determined attempt toward a goal. In order to experience failures from this perspective, we should demand that we analyze where we have failed and that we propose to learn something new. Every relationship that ends, we must take it as an opportunity to learn and if we do so we will be closer to the desired relationship. In other words, it is about not considering ourselves victims (“Why has this happened to me?”) and licking our wounds without making changes, but quite the opposite.
  5. Do you know how to express/manage your emotions? Most conflicts, both internal and in relation to others, occur due to a lack of intrapersonal and interpersonal skills. We have all the existing knowledge at a “click” and we know a lot about procedures (how to do things) but we often fail in self-knowledge and social skills. If we become aware that we have shortcomings in this area, psychological help is highly recommended because no matter how much we know and do, if we are not “we” we will not feel happy and if we do not feel happy we will not be able to attract positive, constructive, ..

To finish, one last thought: having a partner is like happiness: it should not be a destination but a path, as Gandhi said; but in any case , a path in which the same stones are not always found, but in which we plant flowers,  as the poet Cora Coralina pointed out.

And after the first date, what?

A first date can go from very good to bad, going through a whole group of nuances; space in which most of them are found. Below we have tried to answer the question in the title of the article, situating ourselves in the different possibilities:

1) Love at first sight – a Partner

Love at first sight is an unrealistic expectation, being unlikely. Although this does not mean that it cannot happen… If it does, we have to be careful, because this love at first sight can be reciprocated or not and, depending on how we act, the situation can evolve in one direction or another. If the other person attracts you from the start, she tries to maintain a sufficient level of tension to be able to interact properly.. This means: don’t overreact, don’t fall into monologues that could bore her or miss the opportunity to truly get to know the person in front of you. Be that as it may, if we really liked the person we have met, it is advisable not to let things get cold, but avoiding behaving impulsively and insistently. If the first date was real, face-to-face, it doesn’t make much sense to interact excessively without leaving the comfort zone of WhatsApp conversations. Sometimes these lead us into the realm of superficiality and automatic responses. We therefore recommend that the proposal to share a second real experiencetake place shortly, without forcing things… This proposal can come from any of you; It seems obvious, but it is not. Sometimes it happens that both people expect to receive a sign of interest from the other and in the end neither of them takes the step.

2) Time has flown by and we have many things in common but there is a “but”…

This scenario is the most frequent. You have found yourself before a person who has most of the ingredients that you consider essential but with some little thing that does not quite fit you… Or perhaps everything fits but the connection (feeling) necessary in a love relationship has not emerged? Whether it is one thing or the other, a second date is more than recommended. First dates are not easy, it is difficult to appear relaxed and be able to express yourself naturally… Sometimes, it can also happen that we project an image that does not quite fit our usual style, due to the fact that we have wanted to dress up more than usual. account for the day in question. For all this and much more, meeting again will help you determine if this “little thing” is decisive or not and, also, to experience if the chemistry arises or not. In order for this second date to provide you with the necessary information to decide whether or not the love relationship has a future, we would like to suggest that it take place in a caring environment, just as we have tried for the first date. Do not rush, remaining if you take care of the when and the how. Suggest living an experience together that you might like… A mountain bike ride,

3) The person is objectively compatible with me but I have not felt well.

This is, fortunately, the least frequent assumption . Although it is uncomfortable for us, it is quite easy to manage. It is simply a matter of clearly but politely closing the open chapter with the person we have met.. When we say clearly, we are not referring to expressing in depth what we did not like (or disliked) but to be clear in our position. We can use generic and clarifying phrases of the style: “We have shared a Partner nice dinner, but I see clearly that you are not the type of person I am looking for”. If we find ourselves with some insistence (frequent WhatsApp, for example), we recommend thinking of a more forceful message such as: “I am not interested in establishing any type of relationship with you, I would appreciate it if you do not write to me anymore” triptogether

To finish, we want to emphasize that it is important to a Partner live naturally any of the assumptions . We must understand that knowing how to go through the emotions we feel before, during and after our date is part of the process to find the person we really want by our side. Each appointment is an experience that helps us clarify what we want and learn to pass the necessary filters. You have to live it, then, as an opportunity . Love will come after some of the opportunities that we allow ourselves to live, be it through one of our blind dates or any other experience that we decide to take advantage of. Remember: Blind Dates is one more way to look for love. If you want, we will help you!

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